![]() Unfortunately, people like to say things like “it’s all in your head” as if it summarizes and simplifies the situation. My mind opened up and slowly, my body relaxed. We could approach sex as playing and fun ( with toys making it even more fun) rather than pressure and dread. Then, for the first time in my life, I was able to feel vulnerable and safe at the same time. She was warm and comforting and there was no pressure. I warned her, like I warned any partner, that sex might not go so well but to not feel too bad about it. One part that helped immensely was the new relationship I started with a woman. I would say that it’s still actually a work in process. I had to face the ugliest parts of myself and my past and most importantly, learn to love myself (even just a little). Therapy is hard work and isn’t something you can dabble in. I had never really been able to do that in any of my relationships. It was about letting your defenses down and letting someone in. Of course, it seemed: I had such a hard time trusting someone, especially men, how did I expect my body, in its most vulnerable position, to allow entry? Sex, to me, was and still is about allowing yourself to be vulnerable and open to another person. I started talking about my issues with trust. At almost 30 years old, I started going to talk therapy. It turned out that my personal history of emotional and physical abuse had taken a toll on my system. So, what I’m telling you is that what a trained Nurse Practitioner did not see is what a 30-something non-college graduate did. He had taken some psychology classes in the past and said it sounded like this condition called Vaginismus. But, as a testament to actually talking about your problems with your friends, I managed to mention this issue to a close friend. I had already attempted every relaxation tactic imaginable, including speaking internally to my vagina to “just relax.” I decided that this is just how life would be now. “Well, you probably just need to relax.” My Nurse Practitioner Maybe meditation will help? I mentioned my painful sex problem to the Nurse Practitioner performing the exam and got the previously mentioned exchange. Attempts at helpĪfter seven more years of this (SEVEN!) I finally took myself to get the pelvic exam I hadn’t had since I was 18. While we wanted to have sex, the moments leading up to intercourse brought on increased anxiety for both of us. Because of the anxiety of hurting me, performing and other emotional factors, my partner started experiencing erectile issues. But then, a few months in, my trapdoor problem returned. ![]() Through a combination of alcohol and sex drive, we were even able to somehow have sex. I met someone new and at age 21, it was the first time I had a real relationship. For me, it just brought anxiety, pain and sobbing. I still felt like an embarrassing failure who couldn’t do the one thing that came so easily to everyone. Then he suggested we get pancakes in the morning. Pancakes will make it better, right?ĭespite all the bad stories about college-age men, I remember a guy who comforted me as I cried in embarrassment, saying that it was really OK. What seemed so simple became a routine of painful sex. ![]() I had plenty of lubrication and both parties were more than ready to go. It was as if a trap door had taken over my vagina with the rules: “none shall pass.” I was in the mood. During an especially amorous summer, I attempted to have sex with two different people but it just wasn’t possible. So I got drunk and it still hurt like hell, even though I was barely aware of it. I tried to put it behind me but being an adventurous person, I wanted to have sex and put virginity behind me. Then it hurt like hell and I couldn’t walk normal for two days. I was a virgin and a little apprehensive. I went to the university nurse after having my period three times in one month. My first experience was in my first year of college at age 18. I was 28 years old when the above exchange occurred and had not been to see a doctor for a pelvic exam for ten years. “Well, you probably just need to relax.” First signs of painful sex “Well, it looks like everything is functioning OK down there.” Have you experienced painful sex? Raise your hand if the conversation below has ever happened to you.
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